My Solitary Confinement

You said sorry numerous times alright! But after what you did, what do you expect me to do? What do want me to feel? Rejoice, be happy and cry in joy because at last you've realized what you did was wrong, and I was devastated by it and accept your apology outright?

That would be ridiculously silly of me.  I will not easily embrace you and say "dont worry Honey, its alright". You know me more than anybody else. I dont run from a fight. I will not bat an eyelash if I am being abused. I will fight tooth for a tooth and eye for an eye.

 I am not the martyr you think I am. I want you to feel the same pain and hardships that I've been through. "Sorry" will never be enough to ease the pain of knowing that you cheated me. It will never be enough to bring me up again now that I've fallen too deep in a quagmire that you pushed me to.

After your harsh realization of the truth, and you asked for reconciliation, I refused to forgive you even if I can hear the sincerity in your voice in saying, "I am sorry".  Even if I can see the tear at the corner of your eyes when you said "I want you back", you wont see me running to your arms. You made several other attempts to express your regret, but they all proved futile. I wont budge... No, I wont..

But little did you know that through all of these I suffer more than you do. I suffer the most. I dont want to be hypocritical, but Yes, memories of deceit and distrust abound in the room, but they can never drown my feelings for you. But despite that, I engaged in my own battle of wills. The will of longing and the will of self preservation.. It went on for long that I got exhausted, very tired, very very tired.
Now I realized that I am tired of this self imposed exile. I fooled myself when I willingly entered the prison cell and chained myself. I fooled myself when I refused to  unlock the chains that encarcerated me even if the key is inside my pocket. I didn't walk out of the prison cell even if the door is wide open.
 

I am tired and I want to get out of this encarceration, I want to break free of these imaginary boundaries. I know that inside me is the key to liberation... Inside me is my freedom... The truth is, you're already forgiven even before you asked for it.

 

 

 

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."