Every story has a beginning... Every story has an ending. Everything has a reason for existence. Everything has a story. Everybody have stories to tell.
Ako? pano nga ba ako naging ako?This is how it all began, this is my story.
Maliit pa lang ako alam ko na na may iba sa pagkatao ko. apat na taon ako nang unang makita sa akin ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin ang pagiging iba ko sa karaniwang batang lalaki na kasa ksama ko sa paglaki. Naging dahilan yon para tuksuhin ako ng mga nakapalibot sa akin. Bakla, bading at binabae were just some of the names I was called during my growing up years.
I dont know if those name calling really affected me at that tender age. All I know is that, I needed to play and enjoy. I was just a kid and being who I am is not taht much of an issue then.
My first confrontation with my real self came very early too. I was eleven years old then and was in grade five. As an honor student, I needed to go to Boys Scout encampment to stay on top of the class. You know those co - curricular activities churvah that count during ranking of honors.
I occupied a bed in the corner of the room next to a grade six cutie named Francis. He was the biggest kid in school and was already manly at the age of twelve. I was in a deep slumber when I felt somebody slept beside me in a very narrow folding bed. I did not mind it since I was used to sleeping with my brother at home. After a while he started kissing me and was whispering me to face him. I was occupied with fear and confusion that time. I made myself ready to get up and ran outside to where our scout master was sleeping when he told me not to be afraid and assured me that I will enjoy it. The curious cat that I am, instead of getting up, slowly faced him and succumbed to his advances and so it happened. From then on, I would sneak from our house from time to time whenever Francis asked me to meet him in our meeting place since we were just next door neighbors.
Francis was my mentor, he taught me everything I know about sex. He taught me the ABC's of giving pleasure to another man. He was my first fuck, he was my first lay. At the age of fourteen, I was already advanced compared to others like me when it comes to sex. Thanks to Francis' patience in teaching me everything I needed to know.
Despite my advance knowledge and experiences on earthly pleasures, still it didn't occured to me that I am from the opposite side of masculinity. I was having female crushes then and girls find me attractive in school. I received a number of loveletters from them which resulted to having my first girlfriend at age 15. Suddenly all the lessons that Francis taught me was thrown out of my mind. I was transformed into another sex starved, hot blooded teenager who would want to insert his thingie to the next available hole.
It is hard to believe, but my first love was a girl. We just transferred to our new home and I saw this very cute girl named Jing. She was a next door neighbor too. She was intelligent, pretty and very sexy that i found it a struggle just to stop looking at her when we are talking with each other. We eventually separated when we found out that we are second degree cousins. She was sent to Manila for college and also to stay away from me. The separation caused me to resort to drinking. I was just seventeen then.
Then one time when i was again too drunk to say no to temptations, my best friend and drinking buddy Rogel started initiating things. Suddenly all my memories from Francis were restored. Rogel was so surprised that I was very good at the act when he thought all along that I was straight. I confessed to my best friend that I am not what he thinks I am. He accepted me for who I am and our friendship started to develop into something much deeper. We kept our relationship from everybody. He can freely sleep over in my room since he was a constant visitor but in the middle of the night when everybody were already in their deepest slumber, we would be awake and were letting each other feel our love and adulation for each other.
It was then that I decided to be me, to be who I am now. I was happier with him than with the girls i used to lay. Everytime we were together, I was wishing that time would go very slow or that moment would never end. We were forced to separate when I graduated in college and I decided to relocate to Manila to find a job. Rogel and I never had a closure... He was my first real love...
Even now, everytime I go home, I would be looking for him, after the meet and greet with my family. Yes we still are drinking buddies but we dont and up anymore with the things we used to do. He now has a girlfriend, my female best friend and she knows our past. We sometimes make fun of it, but it doesn't affect our friendship and their relationship.
Now that I have fully explored myself, know what I really want, where did I come from and at peace with myself, I am asking myself a question. Where is my my story heading? I can't see clearly an ending to my story. For now, I am quite happy being who I am and have fully accepted that I will live my older years alone. but who knows what's the ending to my story?...
Do you know?
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